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Defeating the Communists

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CN: Shark week

When I went to one doctor (years back) about being trans and wanting to get a referral to the GIC, she told me that there was “some sort of implant” I could get to stop periods. Unfortunately, I’d already tried it (Implanon) for contraceptive reasons- and the result was an endless crimson tide*.

Unsurprisingly, I had it removed after four months.

So, she suggested I use the combined contraceptive pill (which I had been using already, and successfully), but take multiple packs back to back.

The only caveat- I might get “breakthrough bleeding”, so I should take care and plan to let Arsenal play at home* about once every two months. It was better than nothing.

A few months ago, I started a new relationship, and anxious not to let anything get fertilised, I looked up scientific studies on continuous use of the combined pill. I was worried that using it continuously might impede its efficacy. However, I discovered something fairly surprising.

The quoted effectiveness of the combined contraceptive pill, the percentage I had to learn in Religious Studies class, is over 99%. That comes with the caveat that the individual take the pill as directed. According to this study, however, the pill ends up being just 93% effective in practice.

Translation: 7% of people who take the combined contraceptive pill on a monthly basis will become pregnant within a year as a result of fucking up their dose at the least opportune time. It turns out that the day on which you are most likely to forget to take a pill (i.e. day 1 of the tray) is the day you absolutely should not miss a fucking pill.

Meanwhile, you don’t have this problem when taking the pill continuously. So it works out being more effective in practice than having Aunt Flo to stay*.

Incidentally, though a large number of volunteers dropped out because of breakthrough bleeding, others pushed through. And, many found that after a while, they stopped having the painters in* altogether.

So, I stopped taking breaks. And I’m so happy. So, so unbelievably happy. I haven’t been closed for maintenance* in about two months now. I even took a pregnancy test to make sure there was no cloud in this silver lining. Negative.

Everything is sweet and beautiful and wonderful.


*Yes, all of these are euphemisms for… ahem… you know. That Time Of The Month.


About parkerdell

Trans. Gay. Almost Jewish. Converting to Judaism, exploring the ways Judaism and the LGBT community shape my identity.

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